Top Christmas cracker jokes revealed – but the comedy winner won't please the Labour Party

12/02/2024 03:24 PM

WANT to tickle your guests' funny bones while tucking into your turkey this year?

These Christmas cracker jokes will go down a treat.

Traditionally, the gags found next to the festive paper hats raise little more than a groan.

But these ten topical one-liners – selected as winners by judges for the channel U&Gold – are the best rib-ticklers of 2024.

The top quip is made at the expense of the Prime Minister, who isn't known for his sense of humour – or indeed paying for things himself.

The No1-rated festive joke was "What gifts will Sir Keir Starmer get this Christmas? None, he's had enough!"

Here we reveal the top ten

1. WHY are pensioners bulk-buying Brussels sprouts this Christmas?

It's the only way they'll keep the gas on.

2. WHY is Rachel Reeves in the Nativity this year

She's collecting inn-heritance tax.

3. WHAT'S the Thames Water advent calendar like?

Full of number twos.

4. WHY did Gareth Southgate get into ­difficulty with the Christmas club money?

He was always late with his subs.

5. WHAT do you call a Belgian reselling tickets at inflated prices?

A Brussels tout.

6. WHY does Father Christmas find going down chimneys easier this year?

He's on Ho Ho Hozempic.

7. WHY is Santa worried about being stalked?

He's surrounded by baby reindeer.

8. WHO'S Santa's favourite member of Oasis?

Noel.

9. WHY aren't there more jokes about receiving Oasis tickets for Christmas?

Because most ­people won't get them.